Arnold Schwarzenegger: The Hollywood Spy Story – UNCLASSIFIED

 

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In My Humble Opinion: Arnold’s film career plays out like a spy that can’t make up his mind.  He’s been with Special Forces, he’s been with the FBI, he’s been with the Russian Police force, he’s been with the American police force, hell he’s even been a mattress salesman.  If Arnold’s career were to be compared to that of a real life spy, it might look something like this: 

Commando – Arnold left his Special Forces life behind and became a FBI agent.  He didn’t like the time away from his daughter so he left the FBI too to become a small town Sheriff which was his current job in Commando (I made up the sheriff thing, but really…he needs a job.  The only aspect the movie focuses on is his time in the Special Forces too, not mentioning his time with the FBI).  His daughter is kidnapped so he gets in kick ass mode and saves her from the drug cartel holding her.  He even remembers where his Special Forces team always used to get their black market weapons…the hidden room in the sporting goods store.  The leader of the drug cartel Arnold takes down was also on the FBI’s most wanted list.  This takes us to…

Raw Deal – The FBI recognizes how valuable Arnold still is from his destruction of the entire island in Commando and killing the drug cartel kingpin that was on the Most Wanted List.  The FBI gives him a cover ID and tells him to infiltrate the mob.  He completes his mission and realizes he misses the action.  Unfortunately, the FBI treated him badly so instead of staying on full-time with it he decides to go back to his Special Forces life.  This takes us to…

Predator – He’s back in the Special Forces and enjoying life.  He even when as far as faking the death of Bill Duke’s character in Commando so he could get away from the drug cartel himself.  Bill Duke’s character was so grateful that he followed Ah-Nuld and joined his Special Forces team as Mac.  Arnold runs into an unexpected adversary.  He battles the Predator and loses his whole team in the process.  This is very traumatic for poor little Arnie.  He’s deep in thought at the end of his ordeal with the Predator and realizes he wants to pursue his real dream; this is when he puts in his request to join the Helicopter Operations Unit.  This takes us to…

The Running Man – The movie opens with Arnold living his dream as a helicopter pilot.  When he’s ordered to open fire on a crowd of civilians he disobeys (Beckoning back to Predator, “We a rescue team, not assassins”).  His insubordinate behavior lands him in a maximum security jail.  He’s eventually forced to compete on Running Man.  He is able to fight off the gladiators and clear his name by the end of the movie.  Unfortunately he holds a grudge against the USA for the way he has been treated and decides to return to Mother Russia, his true home.  This takes us to…

Red Heat – Now back in Russia he has joined the police force.  Given all his training here in America the Russian police were quick to snatch him up.  He has to follow the criminal element he’s pursuing back to America which he is not happy about given the way he was treated.  While he is here he discovers he has a brother.  At the end of the movie he tells everyone he is returning to Russia but he is actually flying to a tropical island to learn more about his brother.  This takes us to…

Twins – He has learned about his brother while on the Tropical Island and decides to seek him out back here in America.  He was hesitant at first because of the way America had treated him in the past but the love for his brother was far too convincing.  On his trip to America this time around he’s exposed to things he had never seen before, rock n roll, Playboy, etc.  After finding his brother and having children of his own, he freaks out and realizes he misses his action filled life.  Wanting to stay in America, he decides to become a cop.  This takes us to…

Kindergarten Cop – He has become a cop and must go undercover as a teacher to find the son of a dangerous criminal.  He’s eventually able to bring down the criminal and save the day.  The criminal he brings down actually had international dealings with Columbia and was on the CIA’s watch list.  Given Arnold’s background in Special Forces, the FBI, and law enforcement the CIA takes notice.  He’s recruited into the CIA.  This takes us to…

True Lies – After a brief stint with the CIA he is transferred to The Omega Sector…America’s Last Line of Defense.  He handles a variety of special missions for the government-run agency quickly becoming the agency’s top spy.  Unfortunately, his cover wife eventually discovers he is leading a double life.  At first he thinks she can be recruited and they can live happily ever after.  However, this cannot be allowed by the agency and he must be given a new identity.  This time he is “erased.” This takes us to…

Eraser – Given his special talents he is offered a position with the Witness Security Protection Program as part of his new cover.  He enjoys his new job and the new challenges he faces.  His cushy life is short-lived however as he is soon caught up in a conspiracy that involves a company that makes weapons for the military.  He must again thwart the plot and adopt a new identity by the movie’s end.  This takes us to…

Jingle All The Way – Given the amount of action he has seen in his life he finally feels like he can retire and live a happy life as a mattress salesman.  He soon discovers that the pressure of fulfilling his son’s wishes for Christmas can be as daunting as battling an Alien from another planet.  He is briefly reunited with John Belushi’s character from Red Heat who has now become a con artist after getting fired from the police force for not ensuring Ah-Nuld returned to Russia.  The two battle and Ah-Nuld realizes that no matter what he does he is destined to lead a life of action and violence.   He continues to try to fight this however and goes back to his true love of flying helicopters.  This takes us to…

The 6th Day – Arnold is running his charter helicopter business and is happy.  This doesn’t last though as he is soon caught up in a cloning plot and is almost killed by those that have cloned him.  After once again beating the bad guys and saving the day Arnold accepts he will never lead a normal life and decides seek out more action.  He leaves his clone with his family and sets off to find more action and adventure (the movie deceives you into thinking his clone is the one that leaves).  This takes us to…

The Expendables 1 & 2 – Many years have passed for Arnold as he has been working very discreetly for the CIA once again.  He initially passes on a mission that is given to Stallone but must return in the sequel to save Stallone’s ass.  He’s willing to help Stallone with his mission before realizing he’s too old for this shit and decides again to try a quiet life as town sheriff out west.  This takes us to…

The Last Stand – The grandson of the drug cartel leader Arnold killed back in Commando has taken over the drug cartel’s operations.  The cartel leader discovers Arnold’s location and escapes FBI custody to track down and kill the man who killed his grandfather.  The cartel leader attempts to bribe Arnold at one point as a distraction and then battles him with a knife.  Arnold is able to defeat the grandson of his former adversary.  Arnold has also learned how valuable life is and restrains himself from killing the cartel leader, choosing instead to have him taken into custody.  He now serves proudly as town Sheriff, until he gets another itch for some action…TO BE CONTINUED!   

 



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